A Metaphor

So I have been gone a while. This Spring was busy with teaching an advanced composition class, and Summer has been spent frantically writing on the dissertation. I have made pretty good progress, but after a lot of praying and soul searching, I have decided to wait another year before going on the market. More time for quality diss writing and blogging!

One of the insights that God blessed me with during this agonizing process was a personal metaphor. God is like Iron.

For the last eleven years, I have dealt with celiac disease. Basically, my body can't process gluten, the protein in most grains (like wheat and barley), which means I have to carefully monitor my diet. Because of the damage that eating gluten prior to diagnosis did to my poor insides, my body has a hard time absorbing common nutrients. It has really only been in the past couple of years that I have started to figure out what nutritional balance works for both my schedule and my body.

One of the nutrients that I just can't seem to get enough of is iron. I've never been a big meat eater, and big bowls of leafy greens are still not that appealing after a long day of teaching (although I do eat waay more vegetables than I did during undergrad). When I don't get enough iron, long story short is I get depressed and droopy. I start letting in all those insecure thoughts and worries, which of course leads to less motivation to be diligent at those things that I am supposedly awful at, and it spirals downwards from there. For me, at least, there is a pretty direct connection between that aspect of my body and my psyche.

When I take my iron supplement everyday, there is a noticeable difference in how I feel and react to situations. I still get really tired and draggy (grading and diss writing will do that to you), but there is not that same sense of hopelessness, of utter, bone-crushing fatigue. I might still have a hard time motivating myself to go to dance or yoga class, but when I go and start moving, I have more energy and feel less foggy then if I wasn't taking iron.

Similarly, I am realizing what it actually means to have God's presence as a constant in my life, even through the rough times. I remember being hyperaware of the idea that my life would not be super shiny and perfect just because I was now a Christian. God isn't a magic clean up button. But finding a path from knowing that intellectually to understanding it in every aspect of your life has been (and will continue to be) a hard journey.

I still deal with anger in my life on a somewhat regular basis. It is not the borderline uncontrollable, white hot anger that consumed my thoughts and directed every action that I struggled with in my late teens/early twenties. But it is still there. I have begun to realize that it will always be there to some extent, and that I will have to keep leaning on God. I will have to keep looking to Him for guidance in those situations that press everyone of my buttons with a sledgehammer.

But life with God is like life with iron. Neither one is a magic pill that makes all the boogeymen and night terrors vanish. But both are necessary constants in my life that require a conscious decision to pursue that path and make that effort. There will still be really frickin' difficult days, days where my eyes can't focus on the computer screen because I am so tired from wrestling with my theory chapter or days where I just can't stop thinking about all the ways that a person has wronged me. But if I keep taking my iron, if I keep looking to God, I will get through it. I will be supported and sustained through that time of physical and spiritual trial.

What am I angry at today?

Some people don't have obvious issues with anger in their lives. It's not a part of their personality. My husband is like this - easy going, mild mannered. The biggest sign that he is angry or frustrated with something is that he stops talking and goes deep into thought. So, even when he is angry, he deals with it internally. I'm not saying that this always leads to good places, but rather that there are some people who deal with anger in a way that is more internal than external, in a way that doesn't read 'angry' to the rest of the world.

And then there are those who radiate anger, even when he/she is trying to hold it in. Guess who's like that in the relationship? Why yes boys and girls, that would be me. I might very well go silent when I get angry, but that's because I'm trying to hold in expletives or mean, cutting things I would love to say in the blind heat of the moment.

I can trace this to two things in my life, one external and one internal. The external influence was a father who would quote the axiom that people who never fight don't have a good relationship and then use that as an excuse to explode if his slightest whim wasn't met. A pattern of externally focused anger, directed at whoever you decided caused the problem. The internal influence is rooted in my personality. I am what one might call a strong-willed person. And this sense of strong-willedness comes along with a host of less desirable traits, such as stubbornness, a hair trigger sense of justice, and, of course, a knowledge that I am usually, if not always, right.

So, I have a wealth of things that trigger anger, coupled with a less than awesome example of how to deal with anger.

God has really, really, really, really taken this burden for me. In looking back at myself from five years ago vs. now, the change in those rooted traits, whether from the internal or external source, I really am a new person. Praise the Lord.

I remember reading James. It was the first book I read when I started being a Christian in more than just name, a little over six years ago. I underlined James 1:19

This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quid to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Good verse. Good reminder of what our focus is supposed to be.

Recently, while rereading James, I realized that I hadn't underlined the next verse.

for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:20

This is a concept I'm still working on, in large part because societally, anger in the 'right' circumstances is something that is largely accepted, encouraged even. Revenge, if adequately provoked, is a noble pursuit rather than something to be avoided. Even the sitcoms or fluffy movies that have the nerdy/unpopular/arts-loving protagonist walk away from revenge-motivated actions culminate in the 'bad guy' getting some sort of recompense, often involving spilled food and/or public humiliation.

But what does anger achieve? That's a hard to question to ask yourself, especially when you're in the midst of feeling angry. According to James 1:20, nothing that we should be concerned about. We might feel slightly better (watching the antagonist fall on his/her face feels good), and others might even laud us for our cleverly-worded witticism or awesome prank. But in terms of achieving the ultimate purpose of showing God's mercy and grace, and perpetuating His righteousness, not ours, anger seems like a not-so-viable option anymore.

Especially in grad school, a critique-based lifestyle, there is always so much to be angry about. Injustices abound when close reading cultural artifacts, no matter the culture. So how do I approach these injustices? these oversights, panderings to the hegemonic 'Man'? Well, I need to find a way to be connected to these occurrences without being angry. I can still be emotionally connected to these causes, but that sort of gut level, knee-jerk anger shouldn't have a place in those moments. Easier said than done of course, but it helps to think about how my education, my skills at parsing apart texts can actually be productive in furthering God's causes. How can I turn my logics, my lenses towards things that I think need to be changed in a productive manner that honors those involved? I'm hoping that this attitudinal shift will start to lead to accompanying shifts in my actions and my self.

Insomnia

The husband is fast asleep after a long day at work - he has the real job in the family (haha) writing lots of intricate-looking computer code.

Which of course means that I can't sleep. He was up basically all last night working, he really needs his sleep tonight, which is fine when I'm sleepy, but one of the things that calms me down and relaxes me enough to go to sleep is talking to him.

So, browsing the inter webs it is. Part of why I can't sleep is because I panicked over some data in a paper I'm revising. It's based on a website, which it turns out, has updated it's FAQ and other pages. Fortunately, the revisions won't be too major, but I'm kicking myself for not screenshoting EVERYTHING with timestamps.

Eventually, I turn to the Bible, specifically Psalms. (Isn't it sad that that wasn't my first instinct in the grip of worry and frustration?). There is so much richness in the Psalms. David really knew how comforting God can be in times of extreme tribulation. However, that means that I have to do some browsing around before I find anything that seems applicable to this particular situation. Enemies are not trying to kill me, or my first born son. I'm not at war with neighboring countries with big, gold-plated armies. I'm just overtired and a little overwhelmed.

Enter Psalm 62

My soul waits in silence for God only;

From Him is my salvation.

He only is my rock and my salvation.

My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken. ~ 62:1-2

So much to love in those four lines. I love how they have the soft, inverted rhyming scheme (don't know the actual literary term *gasp* even though I'm technically in an English department). I also love the weight of those lines as they repeat throughout the rest of the chapter. And the truth of those words, the capital-T Truth (*another gasp* "but we're postmodern, aren't we?") really hits home, reinforces the message that no matter what crap the world throws at us, we have God. He cannot be shaken, which means that we cannot be shaken.

Now, I'd love it if this meant my insomnia was instantly cured, and I would have lovely, bubble gum and cotton candy dreams for the rest of the night (my dreams often involve robot aliens that can shape shift). But that crafty fiend that is emotion, affect, feeling!!! Even as someone who considers herself to be a pretty devoted Christian, it's hard to fully shake off that bodily sensation of down-in-the-dumpness, even with a beautiful passage from Psalm 62. The flip side of God giving us a crazy wide emotional range is that sometimes you hit the lower end of the spectrum.

But it does help to know that God is not just my comforter but also my protector. Now I just need to figure out how to inform my emotions and body of that small fact.

Comfort

My times are in Thy hand ~ Psalm 31:15

Brief post today. The above is a comforting reminder when everything else around you is headed south, or feels that way.

Grad School sometimes...

sucks.

I doubt I need to go into all the gory details. If you are in grad school, then you fully understand. If you are not in grad school, then like Marge says, you did not make terrible life choices and therefore need not worry.

Suffice it to say, I am at the dissertation stage of grad school, which is a blessing and a curse. Whenever I tell this to someone outside of the university, their face lights up, and they say something like, "Oh how wonderful! You're almost done!" And then I choke down all the anecdotal stories, some of which have become legend, about that other grad student in that other section of the department who is still working on his/her dissertation after 4/5/insert scary # here years. Because that really wouldn't be polite.

I am planning to be on the job market by next fall - Fall 2012 - which means that I have Spring and Summer to do research + write at least two chapters.

On the one hand, I feel ok. My prospectus was solid, and I have a good idea of where I'm going from that document to a first chapter. On the other hand, starting a behemoth project like a dissertation makes you realize exactly how much the rest of your academic life up until this point has been micromanaged. There are no end of the quarter deadlines, no final papers you can bang out in a couple of evenings and then forget about, no extensions, at least not if I want to get out of grad school in five years total (my current goal). Basically, it's one humongous goal looming somewhere in the ether that I have to figure out how to chomp into little bits and tackle.

So, not too much about God in this post other than that I am pretty sure I will be relying on God's grace, a lot, to get through this process. Amen.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me. ~ Before the Throne of God Above

Short post today - must prepare for the last week of school before Spring Break (YAY!).

Just wanted to post these lyrics as I was really touched by them in church. Isn't it true how when you fight through a whole bunch of personal gunk, and you think you've moved past it, you'll be hit with an awkward situation, or see that person again, or come across an old picture, and the same old self-loathing will come back and smack you in the face?

And isn't it amazing that God loves us in spite of all that internal gunk?

I'm sure there's a connection to grad school here somewhere. Dear readers, please feel free to exercise your close reading skills and make one.

Seeking Wisdom

Balancing earthly and spiritual wisdom is something I am definitely still working on.

I was raised in the church, but I had really just started attending again after the follies (read: laziness on Sunday morning) of my youth a couple of years before I started grad school. I was a baby Christian, very much scared of what entering a secular institution for an extended period of time would do to my faith. Such a mindset led me to be a bit more militant than perhaps was necessary, and I have modified my stance a lot. Although there are staunch atheists in grad school, and they all tell you who they are, for the most part, religion doesn’t come up in the context of teaching or discussing papers in seminars.

Where it does become an issue is behind the scenes. As I grew to understand how to look for the ‘underlying logic’ in someone’s argument and overall consistency or coherency in their ideological stance, I also started to apply that same measure to myself, to arguments that make up the fabric of my character.

Colossians 8-9 states,

See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ. For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form.

Those verses I read, circled, and underlined in my Bible study, pre-grad school days. Earthly wisdom is not the same as God’s wisdom. Got it. Done.

But of course figuring out the difference between those two in actual, applied living is not so easy. I recall hearing a debate about football players who pray (Go Tebow!) and the speculations of non-Christians regarding what it is they actually pray for before the big game. Are they praying that they will win, no matter what? What about the other Christians praying for the opposite on the other team? Does God pick favorites? The general consensus was no, God does not wear a specific jersey. Rather, the athletes are taking comfort in the knowledge of God, and they are praying that He will aid them in working with their God-given talent.

I use the above example because it illustrates to me the uneasy balance between knowledge of God’s preeminence over everything and our very human understanding of our skills and talents. Where is God stepping in and doing the work, and where is it you?

Similarly in grad school, I still haven’t figured out when it is God and when it’s me, and more importantly when I should care. I want to give glory to God in all things, but I also know that inspiration does not always come from God. We live the in the flesh, with its own form of wisdom and creativity. This can be a powerful source for good or not, depending on how it’s motivated. (I find it interesting that Stephanie Meyer never questioned where exactly she got her inspiration for Twilight). So when is my insight, based off of intensive study of French theorists, most often atheists or other shades of non-believers, glorifying God, and when is it veering away, glorifying the tricky things I can do with words instead?

I am chosen, I am free
I am Living for eternity
Free now forever ~ Tim Hughes, "Holding Nothing Back"

We were singing this song in church today, and the lyrics resonated with some of the internal struggles I've been having in relation to interpersonal interactions. Without going into the gory details, one of the main questions I have had as I've grown with Christ is "What is my role in this situation?" More specifically, in cases where I feel that I've been wronged, slighted, put down, or otherwise a victim of the Pac NW's spectacular overuse of passive aggressiveness, what is my role as an ambassador of Christ? God acknowledges our feelings and wants to comfort us, but there is a danger of wallowing in that knowledge of his ultimate comfort.

So, recently I've found myself getting angry in situations where most people would get angry; cases of snide put downs, superiority-complexes showing up in inconvenient places. Just like any human, I don't particularly like being insulted, even if I can tell that the insults are coming out of deep seated insecurities and hurts that the other person is/has suffered.

I've been consciously struggling with this issue in particular for the past few weeks. "Why do I always have to be the bigger person?"

Hughes' lyrics are really an excellent reminder of (a) the beauty of God's work in my and others' lives and (b) a gentle rebuke of the self-centeredness that my struggle ultimately reveals. What a beautiful gift we have in Jesus, in God's love for us that is revealed in his continued presence in our lives and his continued work in our spirits! In the face of God's amazing love, who am I to complain about how he has helped get to the place where I can be the 'bigger' person, where He has given me insights into how personal hurt reveals itself in insults and jibes? We have such a wonderful responsibility to those around us because of God's love. And it shouldn't be a burden. It should feel like the light of God working its way through us and into the lives of others.

So thank you Tim Hughes. Thank you for using your talent in a way that reached me and I'm sure so many others.

Holding my Tongue

Two axioms.

1. Grad school is tiring. It's still somewhat puzzling to me. Before grad school, I was a dancer. Sometimes dancing 15-20 hours a week, it made sense why I was continually exhausted. Sitting in front of a computer or a stack of books for 6-8 hours seemingly should be less tiring, yet somehow it isn't. The combined stress of assignments, teaching, lack of social life, + the strain of distilling high French theory into something readable and double-spaced = melted brain.
2. I am not inherently a socially adept person, especially when I'm tired. I've never really mastered that fine balance between too much personal information and banal niceties.

"So how are you doing today?"

"Man, I'm utterly exhausted. I stayed up so late last night that I was feeling dizzy"

"uh, wow."

In my mind, the added bit of anecdotal information (a) proves that I am actually talking to the person, not glazing over and letting force of habit take over and (b) is kind of funny - when is someone falling over (except in case of stroke or other medical malady) not funny? Yes, I have that sense of humor.

Now, I've learned in general when to let loose with the above tmi and when to smile and nod. But when I get tired, I tend to forgot that series of hard-earned social lessons that have helped shape me into the somewhat more successful social interactor I am today. I've tried making myself lists, but I always lose them.

Case in point. The other day, I attended a reading group for Rhetoric, which at my university straddles two departments. I was very interested in the piece we were reading and forced myself to attend in spite of extreme fatigue. In retrospect, it feels like I would have been better off not going. But I won't say that, because the uncomfortableness the ensued led to both time spent with God and a better understanding of my responsibility in social situations.

I won't go into a blow by blow of what happened, because quite frankly I can't remember. An outline of the contextual and affective details should suffice though.

Normally at this reading group, faculty are invited and attend. This time however, it was just six grad students, three from the one department, three from the other. The room was a large conference room with the tables set up around the perimeter. As people are drawn to like, the three students from the one department sat directly opposed to where I sat with my colleagues. Especially if your area of study has anything to do with materiality, I'm sure you can tell that the physical setup was not exactly conducive to hugs and Kumbaya singing.

From my perspective, I was attending because although I liked the article we read and found it very useful, I also thought there were some internal contradictions that I wanted to tease out. Emotionally, I was both excited about tearing into the piece and passionate about extending his point of view to connect with my own. Yet because of the room setup, everyone's general fatigue, and lack of faculty to intervene (and without their authority to lend weight to people's objections to the piece), the discussion devolved into a round of verbal boxing between the man who had proposed the article we all read and the rest of us.

I of course being the shrinking violet that I am, nodded, took notes, and generally tried to stay out of the fray. Uh huh. No, instead, I fed into the general feeling of hostility by directly engaging with the man who brought in the article, let's say Mr. C, in a round of back and forth where he patiently laid out what he found was great about the article and where I sarcastically poked fun at the author's publishing strategy and criticized his use of theoretical terms.

I do think I had valid criticisms of the piece, all of which I thought of on the bus ride home. Yet they somehow got lost at the point of entry. All of the above narrativizing is to show how much not being silent in certain situations, at least for me, can be harmful to both your piece of mind and intellectual relationships.

I was struggling all the way home and after with feelings of anger and frustration. My points were valid, and I hadn't done any name-calling or general vituperative phrasings. But what was my role supposed to be as a Christian in that situation? As someone who is just recently exploring what it means to have a personal identity, feelings and all, the idea of 'stifling' myself seemed extremely unappealing.

So, I finally turned to the Bible after several rounds of internal self-recriminations and feelings of anger at the other participants. I mean, why can't the other person be the bigger guy, right? But in Proverbs, the verses that leapt out at me were ones, surprise surprise, about the value of staying quiet. Not just in terms of social congeniality, but also in terms of who I am as a person.

There are several that I noticed, but I found two in particular especially relevant.

A prudent man conceals knowledge.

But the heart of fools proclaims folly. - Proverbs 12:23

followed by

The one who guards his mouth preserves his life;

The one who who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. - 13:3 (NASB)

So the whole ugly mess was a good reminder of the wisdom of God. It was a painful lesson to learn, but it's true; sometimes it is better to stay quiet. You'd think I'd realize this, being in Rhetoric. The likelihood of me or anyone changing someone else's mind in an hour is... null.

This is not to say that I don't still struggle with the ideas set forth in the above two verses and elsewhere in the Bible. After all, the whole of academia is built around the idea of vigorous engagement with others' opinions; to some extent, staying quiet is removing one's self from the conversation. But at least some times, especially when tiredness and emotion are in the mix, holding my tongue is a good option.

Surviving Grad School

Ok, the title of this post is a bit hyperbolic. I want to talk about how Christians can not only just survive grad school but also thrive in it. Over the past four years, I've learned what it means to be a grad student, a wife, and a Christian, at varying speeds and levels, depending on the day. Part of that journey has been figuring out what it means to be me, what my identity actually is beyond the I'm-a-really-good-student-please-like-me-because-I'm-smart-please. Said identity is the paradigm I have operated under for the better part of the past decade of my life. I was the "good student," the "mature for her age" kid who the parents liked and the other kids tolerated. I'm sure you can think of a few kids like that from your high school or freshman experience. Remember that girl who sat in the front row and got visibly angry when the conversation wasn't going that way? The one who the teacher liked because she had a way with words and knew how to look properly pensive/thoughtful/worshipful when appropriate? That was me.

So like I said; I've learned a lot over the past few years. Lots of praying, lots of crying after bad situations, or seemingly bad situations. Lots of venting to the poor husband. Lots of God thunking me in the head with insights.

I hope to share these experiences with you because quite frankly, there aren't a lot of Christians in grad school, especially in a Postmodern English department on the West Coast. I h

ave no problem with secular education and can't really see myself teaching at a strictly Christian university or school (a topic for another time). But teaching and working in a department populated mostly with atheists/agnostics makes it hard to find people to share my journey with, mainly because they don't believe in the same underlying world 'logics' that I do. I know I've futilely Googled "Christian" and grad school related terms more than once, unsure of how to handle an personal or academic situation.

I AM NOT trying to do the pity party. I was cured of that with a conversation with a Jewish professor my first year in grad school (future post). I do not believe that the American Christian population is under mass persecution. What I do believe is that it is helpful to see how others operating from your same paradigm approach different situations. This blog is an attempt to hopefully fill that gap for someone questioning the relationship between academia and Christianity, or religion, or God, or general theological ideas.

About me: I do not have a lot of natural confidence. I might have had some at some point, but a stringent upbringing that didn't allow for dissent squashed a lot of that out of my system. Most of the time I can cover up this personal lack - smile and nod, rinse repeat. But there are times where it is a struggle to figure out what exactly it is normal people would do in xyz circumstances.

First response to that: there are no 'normal' people. Everyone is insecure in their own way - part of the fun of being human.

2nd iteration: ok fine, but there still is a level of expected normalcy in any given social situation. How exactly do I get there?

3rdly: How do the above two get completely transmuted within the pressure cooker that is grad school?

I have no definitive answers to the above issues. What I do have are insights, however meager they might seem to others, that have radically transformed the way I view the world and try to act/interact within it.

I hope you enjoy my journey, or that it will be useful to you in a concrete or theoretical way.