What am I angry at today?

Some people don't have obvious issues with anger in their lives. It's not a part of their personality. My husband is like this - easy going, mild mannered. The biggest sign that he is angry or frustrated with something is that he stops talking and goes deep into thought. So, even when he is angry, he deals with it internally. I'm not saying that this always leads to good places, but rather that there are some people who deal with anger in a way that is more internal than external, in a way that doesn't read 'angry' to the rest of the world.

And then there are those who radiate anger, even when he/she is trying to hold it in. Guess who's like that in the relationship? Why yes boys and girls, that would be me. I might very well go silent when I get angry, but that's because I'm trying to hold in expletives or mean, cutting things I would love to say in the blind heat of the moment.

I can trace this to two things in my life, one external and one internal. The external influence was a father who would quote the axiom that people who never fight don't have a good relationship and then use that as an excuse to explode if his slightest whim wasn't met. A pattern of externally focused anger, directed at whoever you decided caused the problem. The internal influence is rooted in my personality. I am what one might call a strong-willed person. And this sense of strong-willedness comes along with a host of less desirable traits, such as stubbornness, a hair trigger sense of justice, and, of course, a knowledge that I am usually, if not always, right.

So, I have a wealth of things that trigger anger, coupled with a less than awesome example of how to deal with anger.

God has really, really, really, really taken this burden for me. In looking back at myself from five years ago vs. now, the change in those rooted traits, whether from the internal or external source, I really am a new person. Praise the Lord.

I remember reading James. It was the first book I read when I started being a Christian in more than just name, a little over six years ago. I underlined James 1:19

This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quid to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Good verse. Good reminder of what our focus is supposed to be.

Recently, while rereading James, I realized that I hadn't underlined the next verse.

for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:20

This is a concept I'm still working on, in large part because societally, anger in the 'right' circumstances is something that is largely accepted, encouraged even. Revenge, if adequately provoked, is a noble pursuit rather than something to be avoided. Even the sitcoms or fluffy movies that have the nerdy/unpopular/arts-loving protagonist walk away from revenge-motivated actions culminate in the 'bad guy' getting some sort of recompense, often involving spilled food and/or public humiliation.

But what does anger achieve? That's a hard to question to ask yourself, especially when you're in the midst of feeling angry. According to James 1:20, nothing that we should be concerned about. We might feel slightly better (watching the antagonist fall on his/her face feels good), and others might even laud us for our cleverly-worded witticism or awesome prank. But in terms of achieving the ultimate purpose of showing God's mercy and grace, and perpetuating His righteousness, not ours, anger seems like a not-so-viable option anymore.

Especially in grad school, a critique-based lifestyle, there is always so much to be angry about. Injustices abound when close reading cultural artifacts, no matter the culture. So how do I approach these injustices? these oversights, panderings to the hegemonic 'Man'? Well, I need to find a way to be connected to these occurrences without being angry. I can still be emotionally connected to these causes, but that sort of gut level, knee-jerk anger shouldn't have a place in those moments. Easier said than done of course, but it helps to think about how my education, my skills at parsing apart texts can actually be productive in furthering God's causes. How can I turn my logics, my lenses towards things that I think need to be changed in a productive manner that honors those involved? I'm hoping that this attitudinal shift will start to lead to accompanying shifts in my actions and my self.