What am I angry at today?

Some people don't have obvious issues with anger in their lives. It's not a part of their personality. My husband is like this - easy going, mild mannered. The biggest sign that he is angry or frustrated with something is that he stops talking and goes deep into thought. So, even when he is angry, he deals with it internally. I'm not saying that this always leads to good places, but rather that there are some people who deal with anger in a way that is more internal than external, in a way that doesn't read 'angry' to the rest of the world.

And then there are those who radiate anger, even when he/she is trying to hold it in. Guess who's like that in the relationship? Why yes boys and girls, that would be me. I might very well go silent when I get angry, but that's because I'm trying to hold in expletives or mean, cutting things I would love to say in the blind heat of the moment.

I can trace this to two things in my life, one external and one internal. The external influence was a father who would quote the axiom that people who never fight don't have a good relationship and then use that as an excuse to explode if his slightest whim wasn't met. A pattern of externally focused anger, directed at whoever you decided caused the problem. The internal influence is rooted in my personality. I am what one might call a strong-willed person. And this sense of strong-willedness comes along with a host of less desirable traits, such as stubbornness, a hair trigger sense of justice, and, of course, a knowledge that I am usually, if not always, right.

So, I have a wealth of things that trigger anger, coupled with a less than awesome example of how to deal with anger.

God has really, really, really, really taken this burden for me. In looking back at myself from five years ago vs. now, the change in those rooted traits, whether from the internal or external source, I really am a new person. Praise the Lord.

I remember reading James. It was the first book I read when I started being a Christian in more than just name, a little over six years ago. I underlined James 1:19

This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quid to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Good verse. Good reminder of what our focus is supposed to be.

Recently, while rereading James, I realized that I hadn't underlined the next verse.

for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:20

This is a concept I'm still working on, in large part because societally, anger in the 'right' circumstances is something that is largely accepted, encouraged even. Revenge, if adequately provoked, is a noble pursuit rather than something to be avoided. Even the sitcoms or fluffy movies that have the nerdy/unpopular/arts-loving protagonist walk away from revenge-motivated actions culminate in the 'bad guy' getting some sort of recompense, often involving spilled food and/or public humiliation.

But what does anger achieve? That's a hard to question to ask yourself, especially when you're in the midst of feeling angry. According to James 1:20, nothing that we should be concerned about. We might feel slightly better (watching the antagonist fall on his/her face feels good), and others might even laud us for our cleverly-worded witticism or awesome prank. But in terms of achieving the ultimate purpose of showing God's mercy and grace, and perpetuating His righteousness, not ours, anger seems like a not-so-viable option anymore.

Especially in grad school, a critique-based lifestyle, there is always so much to be angry about. Injustices abound when close reading cultural artifacts, no matter the culture. So how do I approach these injustices? these oversights, panderings to the hegemonic 'Man'? Well, I need to find a way to be connected to these occurrences without being angry. I can still be emotionally connected to these causes, but that sort of gut level, knee-jerk anger shouldn't have a place in those moments. Easier said than done of course, but it helps to think about how my education, my skills at parsing apart texts can actually be productive in furthering God's causes. How can I turn my logics, my lenses towards things that I think need to be changed in a productive manner that honors those involved? I'm hoping that this attitudinal shift will start to lead to accompanying shifts in my actions and my self.

Insomnia

The husband is fast asleep after a long day at work - he has the real job in the family (haha) writing lots of intricate-looking computer code.

Which of course means that I can't sleep. He was up basically all last night working, he really needs his sleep tonight, which is fine when I'm sleepy, but one of the things that calms me down and relaxes me enough to go to sleep is talking to him.

So, browsing the inter webs it is. Part of why I can't sleep is because I panicked over some data in a paper I'm revising. It's based on a website, which it turns out, has updated it's FAQ and other pages. Fortunately, the revisions won't be too major, but I'm kicking myself for not screenshoting EVERYTHING with timestamps.

Eventually, I turn to the Bible, specifically Psalms. (Isn't it sad that that wasn't my first instinct in the grip of worry and frustration?). There is so much richness in the Psalms. David really knew how comforting God can be in times of extreme tribulation. However, that means that I have to do some browsing around before I find anything that seems applicable to this particular situation. Enemies are not trying to kill me, or my first born son. I'm not at war with neighboring countries with big, gold-plated armies. I'm just overtired and a little overwhelmed.

Enter Psalm 62

My soul waits in silence for God only;

From Him is my salvation.

He only is my rock and my salvation.

My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken. ~ 62:1-2

So much to love in those four lines. I love how they have the soft, inverted rhyming scheme (don't know the actual literary term *gasp* even though I'm technically in an English department). I also love the weight of those lines as they repeat throughout the rest of the chapter. And the truth of those words, the capital-T Truth (*another gasp* "but we're postmodern, aren't we?") really hits home, reinforces the message that no matter what crap the world throws at us, we have God. He cannot be shaken, which means that we cannot be shaken.

Now, I'd love it if this meant my insomnia was instantly cured, and I would have lovely, bubble gum and cotton candy dreams for the rest of the night (my dreams often involve robot aliens that can shape shift). But that crafty fiend that is emotion, affect, feeling!!! Even as someone who considers herself to be a pretty devoted Christian, it's hard to fully shake off that bodily sensation of down-in-the-dumpness, even with a beautiful passage from Psalm 62. The flip side of God giving us a crazy wide emotional range is that sometimes you hit the lower end of the spectrum.

But it does help to know that God is not just my comforter but also my protector. Now I just need to figure out how to inform my emotions and body of that small fact.

Comfort

My times are in Thy hand ~ Psalm 31:15

Brief post today. The above is a comforting reminder when everything else around you is headed south, or feels that way.

Grad School sometimes...

sucks.

I doubt I need to go into all the gory details. If you are in grad school, then you fully understand. If you are not in grad school, then like Marge says, you did not make terrible life choices and therefore need not worry.

Suffice it to say, I am at the dissertation stage of grad school, which is a blessing and a curse. Whenever I tell this to someone outside of the university, their face lights up, and they say something like, "Oh how wonderful! You're almost done!" And then I choke down all the anecdotal stories, some of which have become legend, about that other grad student in that other section of the department who is still working on his/her dissertation after 4/5/insert scary # here years. Because that really wouldn't be polite.

I am planning to be on the job market by next fall - Fall 2012 - which means that I have Spring and Summer to do research + write at least two chapters.

On the one hand, I feel ok. My prospectus was solid, and I have a good idea of where I'm going from that document to a first chapter. On the other hand, starting a behemoth project like a dissertation makes you realize exactly how much the rest of your academic life up until this point has been micromanaged. There are no end of the quarter deadlines, no final papers you can bang out in a couple of evenings and then forget about, no extensions, at least not if I want to get out of grad school in five years total (my current goal). Basically, it's one humongous goal looming somewhere in the ether that I have to figure out how to chomp into little bits and tackle.

So, not too much about God in this post other than that I am pretty sure I will be relying on God's grace, a lot, to get through this process. Amen.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me. ~ Before the Throne of God Above

Short post today - must prepare for the last week of school before Spring Break (YAY!).

Just wanted to post these lyrics as I was really touched by them in church. Isn't it true how when you fight through a whole bunch of personal gunk, and you think you've moved past it, you'll be hit with an awkward situation, or see that person again, or come across an old picture, and the same old self-loathing will come back and smack you in the face?

And isn't it amazing that God loves us in spite of all that internal gunk?

I'm sure there's a connection to grad school here somewhere. Dear readers, please feel free to exercise your close reading skills and make one.